YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR A YEAR
Today is my anniversary. March 8th. It's an important date to me because it is the day I decided to change my life. It has been one of the most exhausting and exhilarating years I have ever been through, which is saying a lot. If I had known everything I would go through, I'm not sure I could have done it. In retrospect, I can't believe I have. I look at picture's I forced myself to take and read my journal, and I am so sad for all the woman I used to be was going through. She had no idea the struggles that lay ahead, the trials she would face. It's hard to let her go. I read a quote that said, "Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost". It broke my heart and healed it at the same time, because it is true. People have asked me why it has been so hard for me and the answer is simply that the only thing I have ever wanted in this life was to be a wife and a mother. Simple. Almost frowned upon to say aloud. But, it is true. And for whatever reason, finding my person, my ride or die, continues to allude me. And, it has compounded my deepest, darkest fear about myself - maybe I am just unlovable. Incomplete. Unworthy. Not enough. Maybe my destiny is to walk this earth alone, unloved and with no one to share my life with. And it was this very thought that scared me the most. Because that is the darkness that tries to keep you down. And, one thing life has taught me is that you're going to go up, and you're going to go down, but you NEVER let the darkness win. You keep fighting. No matter what. And, I'm scrappy. I'm a fighter. I have survived 100% of the hardest days of my life, and I am here. I am trying. I am succeeding more than failing. It's because I have faith. I am aware of my faults and I am working hard at being better. I think that is everyone's duty - to strive to be better than you were the day before. Most of the time we fail, but when we succeed, that is where the magic happens.
This year I have sold a house, moved out of a house I lived in for a decade, graduated a son, left my community, lost a life long dream, wrecked my car, slept in my car for three days surrounded by books and plants 📚🪴, went on awful dates, went on good dates, but wasn't ready, been on the best date of my life only to find out the guy thought we were meeting for guilty pleasures 🤦♀️😂, had a stalker, had a stylist fry my hair, lost friendships, lost my dog, lost my job, lost my state, and literally was sick from heartache. It was the lowest of lows.
However, this year I also discovered the true meaning of courage, what it literally means to feel the fear and keep moving anyways. I found an amazing job (despite first impressions), I have made some amazing friends (literally the only app that worked out for me was the friendship app, and even the guy that was paired with us in the group never showed up 🤦♀️😂), and I have experienced more in the past year than I have in the past decade. I have learned that I am an excellent mother (albeit lenient in my old(er) age), I love to be exploring and hiking, trucks, side-by-sides, dogs of all breeds, shapes, and sizes. I rediscovered my love of books and inhaled an insane amount, including starting the bible. I am smart, I don't like my eggs scrambled, and the things that I want in this life matter. I deserve to be seen. I am not my greatest fears, I am God's greatest destiny. There is a purpose for the struggle. It is not my job to understand. It is my responsibility to keep showing up, doing the work, elevating, and becoming. I have learned it is OK to want the things that I want and not to be ashamed for wanting more from my life. This is MY life. I am going to make decisions that allow me to live it the way that I want.
Above all else, I have found my way to God. Sometimes you have to lose it all to know who really is there with you in the darkest of times. Who knows the depths of your pain and the endlessness of your sorrow. I used to think God's purpose was to give us what we wanted (which he was failing at miserably 😂), but what I have learned is that God is meant to be with us so that we are never alone. He knows our hearts and our truth. He sees me fail every day, yet he still loves me in spite of that. He is a secret keeper, a dream weaver, a best friend, confidant, father, leader, and therapist. He is whatever you need him to be. He has shown me again and again that when you ask for what you need, he delivers. It may show up in a package you didn't see coming, but it comes non the less.
I am looking forward to the next season of my life. I am content, working towards happy. I believe I get closer everyday. I definitely laugh a lot more, which I love. I am so curious to see what has happened in my life by the next anniversary. Where I will I be living, who my friends will be, if the door dash guy actually delivers everything I order 😂 I have the best kids on the planet, and I look forward to seeing them enjoying their lives and becoming the young men they are destined to be. Life is good 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
"Hold on, hold on, hold on", they said,
"You're a dandelion in the breeze.
Look what the winds of change have done
to all these autumn leaves."
"Hold on, hold on, hold on,
This big wide world is not for you,
Hold on for long enough
for the last gust to dance on through."
So, I held on, held on, held on,
They said that's how you know you're strong,
But not until I wilted
did I notice something wrong
I thought holding on was bravery,
But when the winds of change do blow,
Sometimes it's even harder still
to let go, let go, let go
When you remember
painful things from your past
and when you feel
lonely, or heartbroken,
Look into the eyes
of those memories
"Don't visit me anymore.
I don't belong to you.
I belong to love,
~ Ghosts by Alexander Vasiliu
And then I realized
that to be
I had to
I did it...
I lost my
my whole life
~ Rudy Francisco