8 years

Seems impossible.

I think back on how hard that day was. Earth shattering. Numbing. Heartbreaking. Sad. A day I rarely talk about and will probably never get over in this lifetime. Some hurts are just too great 😢😔

There are defining moments in our lives and this was definitely one of them. And, 8 years later, I’m going through another one. What I wouldn’t give to call you up and ask for your advice. Ask for your guidance. Ask for your support. Just to hear your voice, calm and steady, letting me know it’s going to be OK 💕

One of my most treasured tangible possessions is a card you sent me. I’m not even sure if you picked it out; I never got the chance to ask. I have carried it around with me since I was a teenager and I rediscovered it shortly after you died, while I was frantically searching for anything and everything that ever related to you. And I found the words that have carried me through the darkest and hardest moments of my life. All these months of fighting for myself and the life I know I deserve, and this gem of a card has been tucked into my little pocket bible, alongside a picture of each of my kids and their handprints. In those moments where I wasn’t sure I could take one more step; and in those moments of fighting through the heartache, I would hit my knees and turn to the only two things I knew to be of absolute certainty- you and God. I’d read your words of comfort along with his and I would pray 🙏 For the heartache to cease, for the health of my kids, for the faith to follow wherever divinity took me, and over and over again for the strength to see it through. I kept repeating in my moments of uncertainty, “Don’t you dare give up before the miracle happens”. And so, I didn’t. I kept pushing through, somedays on pure blind faith. And slowly, ever so slowly, I have begun to see the light and the miracles you have gifted me. The words of my fathers have carried me through and guided me towards a path of gratitude, blessings, and the sweet peace of surrender. 💕

I have prayed to you many, many times the past few years. Calling in one of my angels, the most important one, because there have been some difficult and lonely roads. I know that I am succeeding with a vengeance because of your pull in heaven. Together, with you and God, I just might make something extraordinary out of this life yet 🥰

Thank you for loving me from the other side. Thank you for guiding me and going to bat for me. Thank you for being my dad on earth and in heaven.

I know it was you and God who brought me to AZ in order to heal and find my true north 💕 I know it is you who helped me get this amazing job that allows me the flexibility to meet Hank’s needs and do the things I love. I know it’s you who gave me my adventurous spirit that has been dormant for far too long. I know it’s you who keeps bringing amazing people and wonderful opportunities into my life. I know it’s you who has restored my faith in God. I know it’s you picking me up, guiding my path, and healing my heart. Thank you for all you do for me on the other side so that Hank, Koyer, and I can have an amazing journey here on this earth until we can reunite with you in heaven 🙏🥰

Please continue to be my rock, please continue to watch over Koyer and Hank, and please never, ever go away. I still need you far too much 💗💗💗

I love you unconditionally Dad. Xoxo 😘

June 16, 2022 Facebook Post: Every time I hear this song, it makes me think of my dad 🥰 I always used to joke around with people and tell them I’d be 70 years old, visiting my parents in the nursing home since they had me so young. It never occurred to me that one of them wouldn’t be around. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over losing the one person who I could always call, no matter what. Life is a gift, even when it’s hard and even when it hurts. It is a blessing to have the time and opportunity to be with the ones we love. 8 years is a long time to be without him, and I wonder if I will make it to a day when I have been longer without him than with him. What a day that will be.

I’m told that loss gets easier as the years go on, but I don’t think that is true. I think the pain gets less intense and doesn’t consume you as it once did, but it is in the small moments you never forget. The new phone that no longer has their voicemail, no more birthday calls in the wrong month 🤦‍♀️😂, no one to tell when you want to share something big and no one to call when you need advice. One less person who always had your back. I wonder what advice he would have given me these past few months or if he would like the decisions I have made. I’ll never know.

There are very few people who know you your whole life and who love you through every journey. If you are lucky enough to have those people, tell them. Call them. Hug them. It seems like you have forever, until you don’t.

Love you dad 😘